Kitty's Journal

Found these on my computer, they were supposed to be to DA club things that I never got around to finishing. Thus, the non-comprehensive-ness as I often write things in little paragraphs and then add more things between each paragraph randomly. *shrugs*

snippets for upcoming stories:

The knife slid effortlessly through the strawberries, making a dull thunk against the counter on each stroke. The remnants of alcohol already in her system were making her mind feel a bit hazy and watching the knife rise and fall in her hands was becoming hypnotic.
She could hear the couch creak as Gryphon shifted behind her and just the thought of him, with his big puppy smile, made her insides go warm and tingly.

something here

Jocelyn turned slowly on the balls of her feet, the knife held limply at her side, crushed strawberries dripping down the stainless steel obscenely. Her legwarmers were falling down and her head was full of buzzing, as she slunk across the linoleum and padded over the dusky rose carpet to the sofa. The chain around her waist chimed delicately with the movement. At the corners of her vision, the room's shadows seemed to expand.

Gryphon had burrowed into the plush brocade pillows scattered on the piece of furniture and looked up at her with a lazy smile while she stood over him. God, he was beautiful. It made something ache deep in her stomach and chest, an addictively wonderful and painful feeling.

In was with a zealous fervor that she brought down the knife. Gryphon's face didn't change, didn't lose that sleepy softness, not for the first few seconds. It was only when the blade was rising up out of his flesh again, with a spout of hot blood in it's wake, that a look of shock fell over his features. Drops of blood spurted from the wound up into Jocelyn's face and a gush of liquid splashed a burning line across cream colored wall as she arced the weapon up over her her head and brought it slicing back back down. She was surprised at how soft the squelching sound of his skin ripping was, almost inaudible.


The rhinestone cross hanging from the chain around her throat glittered mockingly as droplets sprayed across it. There was no loving and merciful diety to save them now.

other story:

The youth's face distorted in pain, blood pouring from his stomach onto the grass as Kemix pulled the blade out.
"Surprise!" Kemix laughed, his razor smile and sparkling eyes giving Tykixt a pause. Lexi, too, was watching the proceedings with cheerful disdain, the boy falling to his knees on the bloody ground. Though she felt nothing personally for the human, the vivid red was filling her vision and stirring something in her usually limited memories. There were hazy images, locked away in deep corners of her mind, that she knew were from Before and she wanted to keep them there. Unlike many of her fellow Nobodies, she had no desire to remember her past. Something bad had happened, she had done something awful, she knew that much. Though that wasn't quite right...her Somebody had done something awful and whatever it was had included a liberal dose of blood.

The shining creature turned towards her, dark eyes unreadable as it fixed it's gaze on her. Halting, she held the cold tack by her side unthreateningly.
"You presume to come here," the unicorn began in a soft melodic tones, "with blood stained hands and cold metal, Nobody?" Tykixt started and tightened her grip on the golden bridle until it stung her palm.
"Yes, I know you, empty thing that you are." the unicorn rose delicately to it's feet and came towards the pink haired girl, flowers and green growth curling up around it's cloven hooves with each step forward. Unable to move, Tykixt stood enraptured, as the sharp horn glittered in a downwards sweep towards her chest. Stopping just over her breast, the unicorn's met her own. For a moment, there was a feeling of vertigo and she thought she was falling forward, but it passed and she was left staring into pools of deep indigo. The tip of the horn was against her flesh, just at the point where it was about to become painful.
"There's nothing within. You're an empty well in a barren desert, a mirage of life. A lethal sham. You, and your kind, are an abomination. I should run you through, here and now." the unicorn's voice, before sweet and filled with the gentle warmth of spring, now had become dark, the sound of thunder in the night from a brewing summer storm. Tykixt shivered, despite herself. She had underestimated this mission, this creature.
"It's not like I chose to be this," she replied quietly, reasonably.
"Are you so sure of that?" the unicorn answered. Tykixt narrowed her eyes, confused.
"Yes," she told the horse

"A living thing needs a purpose. That's the (oooo it trails off here...what was I going to write? *facepalms*)

So...I realize I haven't been using my LJ that much (I know right? Whoever thought this day would come from such an emo girl?) I figured I might as well use it as a place to jot down story ideas and pieces then. Stuff of that sort. So feel free to read it if you like and comment, or just ignore. In the words of many a lovely Hampster 'whatevs'.

I had a dream the other night and woke up from it thinking 'Holy crap, that'd be a friggin best seller, man. Write it down!' I reached for my cellphone, to type it down there as it was closest...but fell back asleep before I touched it...sadly I can only remember a few bits and pieces now. T-T

It had a very Wonderland-esque feeling to it. There were a few characters, one of whom I believe may have been Ryan Ross (lulz) or possibly just some hipster who resembled Ryro XD. Anyhow, the long and short of it was:
An older (grandfather-like) man was trying to convince a group (about four or five I think) young people (teens-20s) to go through this strange tube thing (it kind of resembled a round chimney stuck on the top of their roof, which was somehow covered with turf *shrug*). When they tried though, it was full of some dark sludgey goop and most of them were afraid they were going to drown in it and almost did. The old man and a female though went through. Eventually, something bad was happening a few days later and the others ended up having to try to go through to save themselves and realized they just had to 'believe' they could and have faith they'd live. Then they ended up in a carnival-y Victorian-esque candyland sort of place. Everyone was in colorful foofy clothing and everything seemed really happy. However, humans, real ones, were kept like dolls/servants. There was a lot more...I'll write it down later.

So, I had pretty much forgotten LJ existed (oh my gosh! I know! The shock!!). Why had I almost forgotten? Well, to sum it up really quickly (because I'm exhausted and will post what's been going on in my life later at some point) :

1. DeviantArt (per usual) but especially my beloved clubs, and MOST ESPECIALLY my own club: http://elysian-academy.deviantart.com booyah, bitches. almost 30,000 page views. my club rocks. XD

2. Subeta (like neopets, but far far superior as it's for a more mature crowd and is deliciously tongue in cheek...and there's lots of blood. don't get that on neopets!) http://www.subeta.ws

3. Tegaki E (a blog PLUS. you draw all your entries and comment with drawings. thus the awesome. to make real use of it, you have to have a tablet (hehe yeah, papa bought me one and I love it nearly to death). which is why I think you should all go out and buy one. so we can all make art together. like some hippy little commune. or, yeah, like mod 75/48 XD ) My personal tegaki: http://www.unowen.net/tegaki/uentries.php?u=9165

I'm reading Lynn Flewelling's new Nightrunner book. YES, IT'S OUT!! After all this waiting. *nearly dies of happiness*

Uh...so how goes life for all of you, who probably forgot I even existed *smirk*

And I will never see the truth
This is not a matter of my youth
I do not need anybody else
Bonds would put my mind into cells

And I will never know I was wrong
Never listen to those truly strong
I do not fear anything that's not me
Ignorance is the ultimate key

But I wouldn't want to live like this forever
But change myself? never, never!
The very thought sends shivers down my spine
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine

I am the one who cries out at night
For somebody to change my very core
Not sure why I live in endless fright
Doomed to love only myself for evermore

I am the one who has no real friends
Shallow people flocking to my banner
Always trying to make easy amends
Cherishing my own overbearing manner

Life, always fragile
I will never change
Love, always fleeting
I will never change

But I wouldn't want to live like this forever
Maybe I really was too clever
But I wouldn't want to end like that
I would die lonely and incredibly sad

I will never drag myself out of this
The shadows of my past bogging me down
Feeling lost in turmoil and crisis
My face forever set in an endless frown

I have been hurt beyond mental repair
Thence destined to suffer eternal damnation
No one can be there for me to care
But without I will never find salvation

Lust, always empty
But I will never change
Death, always tempting
But I will never change

Everything is about control
I must never slip, nor ever fall
Anything is possible for me
I must never doubt
And finally be free
~Mind.In.A.Box. "Change" lyrics

My dog attacked me and bit me in the face. For no reason. Whatever. She's probably sick, like everything in my life. Fugly face won't be any worse for a few bite scars. Who gives a shit anyhow? It's not like I have a life...or go out...or ever see anyone except strangers at the store. *bitter laugh* And to think I used to have so many friends. my own fucking fault of course. better to be alone. can't hurt anyone or be hurt that way. no betrayals. no hurt jealousy. no goodbyes.

Aren't I just a little ray of fucking sunshine huh? You betcha. Picture flowers and glitter and fluffy little critters. Or imagine me being chased by a turkey who wants me as it's mate. That should cheer you up a bit, oh vast heartless technological void of angst, drama, and empty emotions.

"Whatcha gonna do? Gonna slit your wrist? And bleed all over?...the stars in your eyes look red today..." ~JH

Before I tell you all my lovely turkey encounter story, I just have to say bandom is beginning to steal my soul. I'm almost tempted to write the Wentzroid fic that Alexis ordered. Also, I'm quite interested in the Hampshire Bandom AU. *wicked grin*

Moving on:
The day before yesterday, my mum and I drove by a large wild turkey a few streets away. Around here, this is an event (though not as huge an event as four does, as in the deer, passing in front of my car a few days back!). People were out on their porches to see him and someone had pulled over their car. We went home and forgot about him.

Until yesterday, when I walked outside on my way to the car. And there he was! Making himself quite at home on my front lawn! He was a biggun! I ran back inside to get my camera. When I came out to sit and take pics, he got right up and came over to me, forward as you please.

(Crap, I'm too exhausted to finish this now. It gets much more exciting, with the turkey chasing me and such. You'll just have to wait for it. Have a picture of the turkey for now: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30494845&l=ecb40&id=22700162 )

I was going to firstly ask if any of you wanted to take a roadtrip up to Toronto next weekend...but then I remembered you need a passport for that shit now, and I don't have one. T-T

Onto the important matter at hand: SEEING PANIC! AT THE DISCO! I don't want to go on and on with the details, so just a run down:
-picked up his most royal gayness, oops, I mean Erik, at South Station and hauled ass to the concert
-got to see lots of cute little emo and hipster boys and girls (and lots of their parents XD )
-watched The Hush Sound play (hurray!)
-met a gay emo couple who were absolutely gorgeous. they were sitting directly behind us and the younger (19) one leaned forward and tapped me on the shoulder to ask me if I'd kill the girl in front of me. Confused, I gazed longingly at the poster boy for pretty emo-ness with his double lip piercings and jrock-esque hair. Turned out he was right, the overly excited girl in front of me was highly annoying and LOUD. The other boy (28) just chuckled in an older tender sort of way. I may have drooled. Erik may have drooled. *shrug* We showed our saddness at not having brought any weapons with us, but offered to scoop out her eyes with a spoon or something. We continued to hit it off with the boys for a bit, finding out they had been dating four months...at which point they finally figured out that Erik was also gay (prior to this, they admitted to thinking Erik and I were a couple, at which we cackled in delight).
-Between bands, there was a giant TV screen that ran music videos but also had a scrolling text along the bottom. The text was what people with cellphones had phoned in, so it was things like "Scream if you love Ryan Ross" or "Scream if you're from Boston", "So and So will you marry me?" and such. My personal favorites were things like "Scream if you know what Ryden means" (yes, I screamed. *guilty pleasure*) Erik txted: "Scream if you know the meaning of irony, lawlz" and I txted "Erik, we're finished. I want a divorce. -Kitty"
However, my definite favorite was someone (NOT ME) who txted: "Sora- I love you <3 Riku". I screamed giddily like a wee girl. Only to find out the boys behind me were also laughing. To my delight, the pretty gay emo couple ALSO loved Kingdom Hearts and we spent the next few minutes gabbing about which characters were the best.
-then Panic came on and I turned into a unicorn...
-No, really. I don't even know what to say. It wasn't as exciting as I was hoping, because it wasn't the "Fever..." show with circus-ness and such and it wasn't just them (since it's the Honda Civic Tour). However, they were still more wonderful than almost anything else in the world. And so close. I could see them in all their glory. (um, no, they weren't naked...) They talked, they breathed, they existed. I almost didn't as I was dying from joy (and probably freaking Erik out since I went really stiff). All the boys actually sounded kind of stoned and Brendan wasn't as out and out bouncy ADD as I expected, but still.
-On the last song, Brendan and Ryan shared a microphone. So obviously gay. XD And then I exploded into a glorious spectacle of glitter. The end.

EDIT OF MAJORNESS (in reguards to topic further down): PLACEBO HAS A COVER OF THE SONG???? WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS??? *DIES*


EDIT (while I'm in the middle of writing this post): My teacher just friended me on facebook!!! but he's so cool and I thought he didn't like me, because I was all messed up in the head during the time I was taking his class and so didn't get a whole hell of a lot done...at all. I don't understand! >_< I'm not worthy! *off to friend back*

So if anyone remembers, this past summer I read Wuthering Heights for the first time and was completely charmed. I raved muchly about it here. Honestly, if you haven't read it yet, go now. Anyhow, tonight Mum was feeling good enough to listen to music (first time in a year! Happiness, truly...I doubt you can even understand) and had me put on the Pat Benatar record, Crimes of Passion, because she remembered there was a song about the book. Now, I must say...I ADORE IT. It's gorgeous, showing off her operatic training beautifully. The lyrics made my heart ache with love and sadness, especially after recently reading the book. Seriously, this is my favorite song of the moment (don't worry Panic, you know I love you mostest). Please, please go download the song (won't be as good as the record, but whatevs) and give it a listen. Here's the lyrics because I know many of you are too lazy to click a link and read them:


Out on the wiley, windy moors, we'd roll and fall in green
You had a temper like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy
How could you leave me, when I needed to possess you
I hated you, I loved you too
Bad dreams in the night
You told me I was going to lose the fight
Leave behind my

Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window

Ooh, it gets dark, it gets lonely
On the other side from you
I pine a lot, I find the lot falls through without you
I'm coming back love, cruel Heathcliff
My one dream, my only master

Too long I roam in the night
I'm coming back to his side to put it right
I'm coming home to

Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window

Ooh, let me have it, let me grab your soul away
Ooh, let me have it, let me grab your soul away
You know it's me, Cathy

Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
I'm - so cold, let me in your window
Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home
So cold

LOVE LOVE LOVE. Seriously. Anyhow, there is also a song "Hell is for Children" *shrugs*

I'm mod of a new club with some of my friends on deviantart. We're so awesome. Honestly. http://elysian-academy.deviantart.com

Plus, I'm also re-obsessed with Gaia. I need to get a life outside the internet. Stat.

Dean IMed me, asked me for a picture of myself and then signed off. What's up with that, man?

Okay, so I was good and waited until today to talk about Pretty.Odd, Panic's new album. I want points for that *grin* anyhoo, predictably, I adore it. SO very very different, and yet still, as the say, the same band. It has just made me love them more. I can see how many non-openminded people would hate this cd. It's beautifully filled with a happy nostalgia. It's funny, it reminds me of an easy american dream life I'll never be able to be a part of, but it's nice to hear it though a medium I love and understand. (though Ryan, you really outdid yourself on the lyrics this time. it's going to take me FOREVER to make sense of all your silly beautiful prose) But hey, Ryan SINGS!! So that alone makes this album an instant win. The whole thing makes me think a summer sunny fields and butterflies and playing barefoot in the woods and throwing tea parties while eating candy and going to the carnival later. It also makes me think of Irish line dancing. I could have a lot of fun dancing to these songs in a field or soft grass (like at Hampshire). Even the melancholy is done perfectly and not overboard into angst. It's truly beautiful. Of course the Beatles interest comes through the whole album, and it's a wonderful way for them to have taken their band. The opposite of selling out. They made the cd THEY wanted, and the one they knew their true fans would also love. They have a gorgeous way of telling stories and getting us, the audience, to understand and live them.

Plus, many of the songs have the whole drug vein running through them, and yes, this album sounds even MORE fantastic when you're tripping. As I am while I listen and write this now. I rec it to those who know who they are.

Final Outcome: Pretty.Odd. = Fever (in that they are both magnificent and more importantly UNIQUE works) Everyone should have both. This post isn't me asking for a debate. You can tell me you loved it but what you would have liked to see. But don't post to say you hate it, hate Panic, etc etc. 'cause I could care less. love to all.

*whine* Someone, puuulease come to AnimeBoston with me tomorrow!!?? Pretty please, with kisses and hugs and puppies and kittens on top? Brad Swaile's gonna be there!! And we can take lots of fun pictures of people in silly costumes!! *is not above begging*

Can I just take this moment to have a minor meltdown (of love) and say Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core comes out on the 26th?? Too bad I don't have a PSP...yet. This month is pretty much an orgasm of wonderful being released into the world. Why you may ask? PANIC AT THE DISCO: Pretty.Odd. (that's the name of the album, fools. doesn't it's quirky wonderfulness just make you love them more??) For one. Also: Cassandra Clare's next book! The new Kim Harrison book (which I'm reading now). Enchanted on dvd. The next book in the Poison Study series. God, I can't even keep going. It's just too much for my poor fandom driven mind to handle.

On other notes, I finally got out of the house tonight. Went and hung out with Denis. Before leaving the house, Mum looked at my outfit and burst out laughing. She said guys didn't understand "fashion" and that any boy would just think I wanted to get laid >_< It was a normal "me" outfit (pleated skirt, leggings, school girl socks, boots, Gwen Stefani hoodie). I had to stop at the gas station first, and the guy told me that both myself and my car were beautiful...*blink blink* Then he gave me his "business card" with his name and cell phone #. Lovely. I can't seem to avoid these awkward moments in public establishments.

At Denis's, I realized that I just royally suck at interacting with guys. I either spout my mouth off about random weird crap (gayness, buffy trivia, etc) or get nerve-wracked about spouting my mouth off and come out seeming cold and distant (or worse, dull). Plus, as any of my friends know, I completely fail at reading signals or any such thing. I can NEVER tell what boys are thinking (except the ones I'm close friends with) and never know what's expected of me. Although most flirting goes right over my head, sometimes I over analyze things trying to figure out if it was flirting or in my head. What am I talking about? Pfft. Like I have any idea.

Anyhoo, we watched a couple episodes of "Dexter" and I was pleasantly surprised. That is some good shit man. We also watched an ep of Buffy, which is both incredibly fun and stressful for me, because whenever I watch it with someone who hasn't seen it, I'm desperate for them to like it and since I know the episodes by heart, I know the exact moments I can observe the other person's behavior to see how they're taking it. (yes, all you people who've watched Buffy with me, I did this to you too!) Usually, it's very easy to see the other person get into it, but sometimes people are harder to read and that stresses me out. (lol, I know...I'm overly invested. buffy is my world, yo.) what was my point here? I'm not sure I had one. But I did tell Denis a lot of random facts, I'm sure he didn't need to know about the actors and such.

Did this post have purpose? Errr...it was meant to. But it sort of got lost in the fandom talk. I was mostly having inner worries. I think my point here was that I'll be single forever, because I can't even tell if someone is interested in me as just a friend or something more. God forbid I ask. No, really, God forbid it. I iz phail @ life. T-T I'm 24, shouldn't I be more mature by now? Okay, my newest goal is to become a more mature, more worldly, more interesting person.

Internet...you bring me down, man. I know we have a real close relationship, but I think I depend on you too much. I think it's reached an unhealthy level. No really. It's really not you...it's me. We just need some time apart...for a little while. I think we should see other people. No, please don't cry! I can't stand tears! Maybe you're right. Maybe we're meant for each other. *tears at hair*

STFU, KITTY, STFU. Exhaustion is making you run your trap off again. Brain to fingers, brain to fingers, the internet is no place for your mind vomit.

Picked up Blender magazine today because I knew it had Panic at the Disco articles. Yummy. The boys are so amusing when they talk, they remind me a lot of the CITs actually...if the CITs had been emo pretty boys, *grin*. Anyhoo, it got me thinking (randomly) about what I consider deal breakers in relationships (both romantic and friendly). This is especially for romantic relationships though, as someone asked me what I looked for in a partner recently and it got me thinking.

Absolute deal breakers (would NEVER date and very very unlikely to be friends with):

-Active dislike of Tolkien...it's okay if you haven't read any of his books (YET) but if you have and didn't like, you're just beyond my ability to understand or interact with
-Active dislike of Buffy (and/or Joss Whedon)...it defines a lot of the person I am today. so you don't like it, you don't like me.
-Homophobia...you suck hardcore and are about the same worth as dirt to me
-hunters, those who practice vivisection, etc.- not only do I think you're trash but I have a deep desire to cause you physical pain...which I will absolutely follow through on if given the opportunity (what can I say? I have a violent streak, yo...and humans (not counting my friends and family) have less worth to me than other animals do...hypocritical? possibly.)
-You diss Phillips Academy, Andover (you're forgiven if you attended Exeter...it's only to be expected)
-Racists

There are probably more I'm forgetting. I considered putting dissing of Eliza, Garbage, No Doubt, and/or Panic at the Disco on the list, but I'd still be friends, I'd just think less of you. *Grin* This is actually the same for a lot of my fandoms. I don't mind if you don't like them, I just don't want to hear about it. Hmm, I guess I'm a bit judgmental...who knew.

Warning: This Post Contains Elements of a Graphic Nature. Rated PG13 for Mild Gore. Viewer Discretion is Advised.

Way to go bipolar day! Woke up feeling good about life for the first time in weeks and by the end of the day was contemplating self destruction.

This past week I:
-got a load of jalepeno juice up my nose (my face was on fire and tears just kept streaming for two bloody hours) who knew a vegetable had that power? I most certainly DID NOT

-twenty minutes after the previous pain finally subsided, I picked up a boiling metal pot with bare hands...and proceeded to dip said hands onto jalapeno plate by accident. the ice packs (multiple) were applied overnight for the pain of that one and I couldn't touch anything for more than a moment for three days

-next came the very violent vomiting (did you see what I did there? with the alliteration?)...granted I puke almost every day (yeah, I'll see a doctor someday...it's just...the whole no insurance thing >_< ) but this wracked my body so bad that I choked on my own vom (told you this was gonna be gross...warned you!!)

-let's not forget prescription withdrawal 4TW!! Intense nightmares, how I love thee. (no seriously, my nightmares are more enjoyable than....)

So finally waking up and deciding to get out of bed and make something of myself was all kinds of awesome today. Until I went to dads and it was just too much and I kind of snapped. Sickness and alcoholism and then there was the 10oclock news (there's a reason I don't read the newspaper or watch the news) was just too overwhelming. I was sitting there watching all these needless horrible things on the TV and Dad was going on about how prositution was so shameful and the girl's life was ruined and I thought, 'hey, maybe she was doing what she wanted. she's certainly going to make more money now that she's famous, who are you to judge her, at least she's getting paid to put her body at others' disposal". My mind just kept going and going, too much stimulation of a negative nature and I went into that calm state where you realize just how awful and how difficult being alive really is and how truly weary you are of all this SHIT. The kind of state of mind where I imagine a person could get up in the middle of a conversation, walk out of the room, and blow their brains out. Ha, I am sounding not quite sane perhaps? >_< Sorry. I'm not going to paint the walls with gray matter, don't worry, yo. I got plans, man! Get rich, get famous, ya know, the usual.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Ryan Ross? And Brendan Urie? Especially when they're screwing each other. (even if it's only in my head, stfu)

I am reading a book called "Love+Sex with Robots" by David Levy. It is non-fiction. If they ever make advanced enough robots (ala "Silver Metal Lover" by Tanith Lee) I want to be signed up asap for a robotic partner. humans are too much for me. Also, if I can sign up to become pure mind in a machine, I'm good for that too. Cyberpunk is my new obsession of the moment. Hook me up with book recs, yo. Alex, Zac, I'm looking at you guys.

With long distance help from Alex-kun, I was able to successfully make split-pea gruel! XD Joyness! Granted, I was too lazy to put it in the food processor, so the peas were still identifiable but I'm pleased for my first go 'round. Now I'll have something to eat for the next few days besides bread.

I'm trying to think if anything interesting happened lately... oh! there was a guy at the grocery store, the other day, who looked exactly like Ashton Kutcher. I'm not a huge fan, but I do think Ashton is attractive and this guy was definitely good looking. And he was with another guy, so OBVIOUSLY I assumed he was gay. I was so alarmed when I looked up and saw him and how pretty he was, I turned and walked into the nearest grocery display and fell all over myself. I was hiding my face behind my hair, but when I glanced at the guy, he had one of those smirks, the sort of condescending kind Alex always has (especially when Hilary, me, or Alexis is doing something silly), lol.

Oh, I also finally beat Persona 3 (after 101 hours!!). If anyone knows any possible way to get ahold of Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (for less than $75), I would LOVE them forever. Also Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga. (Just for reference, a couple of other games I really want to play: GrimGrimoire, Odin Sphere, Okami...that's all I can think of for now)

The F.A.R.M sent me a certificate of appreciation for volunteering there. It was kind of touching, to know that someone in the world thinks I'm in some way useful and have reason to exist. Yay for horsies. :D

Is anyone going to AnimeBoston?? puuuuleeeease?

I like Against Me!'s "Thrash Unreal". Unfortunately, I like it because I identify with it, since I often feel that's how I'll end up. Too bad I don't have the money to be a junkie. J/k. Kind of.

Considering going to nursing school. Well, applying. Maybe. Who knows. Yanni also mentioned forensics. I like diseases too, but microbio jobs are likely above my head. Fuck, I want to make something of myself and probably never will. Why do I even have that desire?

I often feel rather dumb these days when I'm talking to people. As though I might be offending my friends simply on account of not being eloquent or well knowledged (not a word?). Sometimes I just feel like lying down and staring at the ceiling. Life is such a bitch to deal with. I wish I could shut off my brain sometimes, so I wouldn't have to over-think bloody everything.

Hey guys, let's rewind to the start of PA, okay? Knowing what we know now then, I bet we could fucking rule the world. Ish. Or at least be comforted in the embrace of a pretty prep school bubble with lots of drama but also lots of fun and happiness.

My chest feels tight.

Sparkle, sparkle loves. ;)

I've been reading "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld and it's got me thinking. I know, shocked aren't you? But STFU, I do have firings of brain synapses every once in a while. Anyhoo, so far I'm having trouble getting into it. Obviously, every page I'm comparing it to Phillips, and the prep school in the book is coming up severely lacking. That was pretty much a given though, wasn't it? What's really getting to me is not being able to identify with the main character, Lee, at all. I don't know if it's because the novel is written by a guy, but she just seems entirely one dimensional and painfully awkward, but not in a charming way (like Willow) or even a believable way. I can't fathom that any girl actually thinks like she does.

Reading "Prep" has also been making me think of my own first year at PA. Lee looks at everything so intensely and qualifies bloody every interaction and moment. I've never actually thought about making friends with someone. Before PA (and before Hampshire), I worried that I wouldn't make friends because it was so different from my previous existence (public school to the number one high school in America and then from there to pretty much the strangest college in America, lol). I thought I might not fit in but it didn't really faze me that much. When I got there, I wasn't thinking "who can I be friends with?" or "would that person make a good friend?". Nor did I worry about how I acted or what I wore (besides from the normal "did I fuck up my makeup?" kind reaction). I assumed friends would just sort of happen. Even though I'm painfully shy I've never had problems making friends and have always had a large posse. I know my teachers were worried I didn't have friends at the beginning of PA (because I was SO quiet and shy) and told girls to befriend me (though, turns out I was already friends with those girls, lol Kim, Kyla, and Melissa). And at Hampshire, well friends just seemed to find me for the most part (getting run down in the stairwell because I was wearing a gay shirt *wink*)...much easier even than PA. Do people actually really worry about how they will go about making friends? Like the actual mechanics of it?

Lee seems so paralyzed by what others think of her. Now, I'm totally focused on what others think of me, but only so far as my friends I already have, not people I don't know (which works well at Hampshire, where I'm not sure there are many who worry what the public thinks *grin*). People I don't know can screw themselves. I'll wear whatever I like and be into whatever I like. I spend probably too much time worrying about what my friends think, but who honestly wastes energy on what the rest of the world thinks? If I want to wear cat ears or a fairy outfit to school, well god dang it, Imma gonna do it whether it's a prep school or a college. Or hell, even to the grocery store. Why would I want friends who didn't understand that? Why try to please people you don't love? (yes, I use the word "love" for my feelings towards my friends) What is other views on this? I wanna know. Honestly, I don't like Lee (as of page 185 at least), I think she's a boring and a pussy, and probably won't read much more of this book.

Um yes, so that was probably a bit more than was needed. Other news? Hmm, couldn't go to Wendy and Co.'s party tonight because of the snow (which caused Crimson Joy, in her sports car crappiness, to skid off the road three times, to my horror). I've been reading lots of Rufus/Reno porn (because, honestly they are perfect for each other). On a non-porn related note: Alex, you would make SUCH a good Rufus. (anyone wanna back me up on this?) I think I've told you that before, but yeah. If I ever find someone who'd make a good Reno...I'm dragging him to Indiana to take sketchy pictures with you. Just as a warning. Hmm, maybe that was a porn related note. Oh, I had a realization. I have lots of friends on Facebook who I knew when I was a lot younger and thus, a lot more innocent and sweet. I wonder what they think now, to know I'm into gay porn and alternative culture and all that other stuff that never would have crossed my mind back then...I'm sure the CITs aren't surprised *grin* But I wonder about the Broadway girls and such.

Still reading? Damn, you don't have a life either? Let's have babies. (ew, let's not) Oh! I started watching Cowboy Bebop (I know, I'm years behind the times, sue me). I'm on episode 11 and am totally a fan. I love Ein sooo much. Corgies are the cutest thing evar. I have to pee. So I'm going to leave you here. *hearts*

So, who has VIP tickets to go see Panic at the Disco (I can't believe they dropped the "!", I loved it)? Oh yeah, that'd be Erik and me. We're so made of awesome and you're not!

Also, who wants to go to AnimeBoston with me? March 21-23. I wanna go on the 22nd. I know somebody wants to go. *makes puppy dog eyes* Brad Swaile is going to be there!! (the cute voice actor who I met before)

On other notes, Alexis sent me adorable Super Lovers clothing from the homeland (aka Japan). I been sauntering around the house showing them off (well, at least my dogs and cats think I'm posh, lol). I've also been having stomach problems to a higher degree again. This time I've been able to eat hardly anything without vomiting after. Even water made me sick the other night. So that's worrisome, as it's been going on for a couple weeks now.

I'm still drawing a lot. I also want to get back into taking pictures (I just sort of let my cameras gather dust since getting home) so anyone who wants to do picture adventures let's do it (looking at Daphers and Annie especially). Also, let's go on a road trip guys! That's open to anyone, though I was remembered the Viggo trip in particular *grin*. Come on, you know you wanna!! I need to get out of here for a bit.

Pointless post is pointless.

I find myself grown weary in heart and mind. An overwhelming apathy blankets me always these days. I find no reason to move myself to action or to even take care of my body. I'm living on energy drinks, candy, and bread. I know I promised some of my friends I'd lift myself out of this funk, but I no longer see it happening. Most of my friends are gone and I've distanced myself so far from the ones who aren't, that I don't want them to see me the way I am now. I, who was once so happy-go-lucky and surrounded by friends and full of ambition and promise. It's not that I just don't want them to see me. It's that I'm so apathetic, I can't manage the will or drive to work myself back into their lives. I wanted to change my future, to be happy and successful, but it escapes me now. I feel I've hardened myself to being where I am, to accepting fate as it's come.

I should try to be happier with what I have, to make the best of a bad situation. If only I were strong enough, not so lazy and vapid. Looking to my future now, I find myself thinking to at least be a good housewife some day. What right do we have to expect our lives to be perfectly happy? How very few people in history have ever been truly happy? Many many more have been much more miserable than I. I should make do with what I have and stop wishing for something higher, something better, maybe then I could be happy. I could be good at servitude. Perhaps some day I can be a kept woman for some rich man. Who needs love right? As long as you have your health and trinkets to amuse you. What more could a girl ask for?

WTF am I talking about? I assure you, I'll be the last to know.

My iCat likes Kozi. I can't stop staring at the lights on it's face.

Anyhoo, I'm trying not to dwell. I've started exercising again and am trying to eat healthy...er. I've been thinking of looking into modeling or something, since people keep telling me to. I need money. A guy offered me $800 for a four hour nude photo session and I was going to do it, but ended up deciding against it. (He had a gallery and everything, not just some random dude off the street.) This was in the fall. Maybe I can find something a bit less sketchy. I'll have to exercise a lot to get toned and lose a bit of weight and will have to deal with my teeth (whitening and stuff). We'll see I guess. I'm kind of useless for any job. >_< What a failure at life. I'm going to live in a trailer with an abusive husband and a drug addiction. *sob*

Last night, I had a dream that I was having sex with an ugly guy. Firstly, I very rarely have sexual dreams (what with the -1 sex drive and such) and secondly, OMG ugly!! Yes, I'm shallow as all hell, let's not pretend I'm not. What does it mean? Gah, what a nightmare. *shot in the face*

I'm still playing Persona 3. This game is fantastic. Truly.

Pointless post is pointless.

I miss Yanni and she's only been gone three days. T-T

Wow, I just kind of have to laugh at myself right now. I didn't really think I was in too much of a fragile state today, but I was just reading a new yaoi manga I had bought and pretty much all of a sudden I was sobbing. It was even that sad. Lol, you've reached new lows when you're having a crying jag during gay sex. And ready, guys, for the line that set me off:

"Sometimes you lie, and sometimes you're mean to me. You can run me down to the ground, but would you cry a little bit for me sometimes?" (from 'Crushing Love' by Ritsu Natsumizu)

Yes, please feel free to laugh at me. I certainly did. After it was over, I was sitting there with tears running down my face and sniffling, thinking 'wow, you are truly a lametard'.

On an entirely unrelated note, I ate a bunch of avocado today and didn't throw up for the first time in four days. I think I have found a partial answer to my current health problems: eating green things. Unfortunately, I have the feeling green taffy and sour apple lollipops probably don't count...